There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don't understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ???????
8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Smith just got a job as a porter in a five star hotel in Lords.
The manager told him: "...in here we give every customer personalized services and you have to be very observant. so you know how to address their every need even before they ask".
Before the manager could finish, a couple walked through the hotel entrance and the manager quickly approached them, nicely took their baggage and said, "Welcome Mr & Mrs James, it is our delight to have you in our hotel.
Please come this way to the reception" ... and he led them to the reception.
After the couple had been taken care of, Smith asked the manager, "Has the couple been visiting this hotel before?"
"No" came the reply from the manager.
"So how come you knew their name?" asked Smith.
"That is why I told you to be very observant.
All I had to do was quickly look at the label on their baggage while I'm taking it from them and see the name on the tag".
"Oh, here comes another couple. Why don't you give it a try?"
"Ok" said Smith and he hurriedly approached the couple, helped them with their luggage and said, "Welcome Mr & Mrs MADE IN CHINA! We are delighted to have you in our hotel..."
John and Smith were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.
Smith promptly jumped in to save him, she swam to the bottom and pulled John out.
When the medical doctor became aware of Smith's act, he immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Smith the news, he said : Smith, i have a good news and bad news, the good news is that you are being discharged, because, since you were able to jump in to a swimming pool and save the life of another patient, i think you have regain your senses.
the bad news is that, Smith, the patient you saved hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, i am sorry he is dead.
Smith replied,, ,, he did not hang himself, i put him there to dry!,
After Few Years Later,
A plane was carrying mental patients who were making lot of noise, one patient pops into the cockpit and orders the pilots to teach him to fly a plane.
PILOT: yes we will but on a condition that u tell your friends to keep quiet, off he goes and after a short while everywhere became quiet
And he came back, "teach me now" he said, amazed the pilots asked "but how did u manage to silence your friends?"
PATIENT: I've opened the door for them to go and play out side.
An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my cat."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your cat," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your cat in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his cat was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your cat."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" .
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" . A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3×3?” Harry: “9?
Principal: “What is 6×6?” Harry: “36?
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants.”
Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?” Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?” Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?” Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.”
Interviewer: There are 500 bricks on a plane. You drop one outside. How many are left?
Applicant: That's easy, 499
Interviewer: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
Applicant: Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge.
Interviewer: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?
Applicant: Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge.
Interviewer: It's lion's birthday, all the animals are there except one, why?
Applicant: Because the deer is in the fridge.
Interviewer: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
Applicant: She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday.
Interviewer: Last question.
In the end the old lady still died, Why?
Applicant: Err....I guess she drowned?
Interviewer: No! She was hit by the brick. You may leave now.
Fat man saw an ad: "lose 5kg in a week" in a newspaper.
He calls the company & lady says be ready tomorrow at 6am.
The next morning he opens the door & finds a hot babe with just shoes, undergarments & shirt saying: "if you catch me, u can do anything to me!" & the girl starts running.
He starts running but doesn't catch her.
During the whole week he tried to catch her but couldn't.
However he loses 5 kg.
He then asks for the 10kg program.
Next morning at 6 he opens the door and sees an even hotter babe in shoes, thong & a shirt
saying: "If you catch me, u can do anything to me!".
He loses 10 kg that week.
So he thought this program is awesome!
Lets try the 25 kg! So he asked for the 25 kg but the lady said "Are Youu sure? its really tough".
He said "YES!"
Next day at 6 he opens the door, he finds a gay in just underwear saying..
The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes,
the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, -
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!" And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;
“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"
